I feel as though my updates jump around from one place to another. In my last post, I shared my extremely personal journey with mental health awareness; before that I was catching you up (vaguely) on the past year of my life. What I haven’t done yet, however, is delve into the 3 most important relationships that have helped to shape me the most since last year. This post will touch on one of those, and more specifically on how that person came back in my life for one of the most important reasons I can imagine.
Sometimes, you just meet a person and immediately connect with them. You are inexplicably drawn to them, fascinated by them, attracted to them, and ultimately all-consumed by them. I met such a person at the end of last year, right in the middle of my life going up in shambles.
He was one of the most attractive people I had ever met in my life. I couldn’t explain what it was exactly, because he wasn’t really the type of person I normally found myself attracted to. But all I knew is that I couldn’t wait to be around him. I felt electricity during the short amount of time we spent together.
Boy, was he trouble.
For the sake of saving face, both mine and his, I won’t go into too many specifics here. In summary, he helped me to realize some key things that I needed out of a relationship – excitement, adventure, passion…
He also made me realize that, though fire may be a beautiful thing, there is such a thing as getting too close and getting burned by it.
When you are attracted to someone on that deep of a level, you tend to let the negative behavior slide. Like blowing you off and forgetting plans with you, only to call you out of the blue and expect you to drop everything for them. Eventually, after the flaky behavior, the negativity, and the constant anxiety he caused, I decided enough was enough and removed him from my life.
Throughout the past year I heard from him a few times, and though I immediately remembered the passion I had felt with him, I also remembered how terrible he made me feel about myself, and for that reason I never really responded. Until recently.
About 2 weeks ago, I received several messages from him, asking me to talk. I still don’t know what made me give in – it must’ve been fate playing her hand – but I agreed to talk with him. In our conversation, I found out all of the things he had been through the past year – issues that aren’t my place to share, but definitely explained some of his behavior – and he advised he was a completely different person than the one I met last summer. He apologized for how he had treated me, and wanted to start fresh and actually get to know me. He also said he had found God again and was actively focusing on his relationship with Him.
Deep down, I wanted to believe him so badly. I figured, what’s the harm in giving out second chances? There’s always the possibility that it comes back to bite me in the ass, but what if I’m wrong? What if he really has changed?
Well. We all know where this is going.
I decided to meet up with him to see if things had changed…and I was truly impressed. We spent the evening talking, learning about each other and turning over a new leaf. I couldn’t believe how different he really seemed. It was such a huge transformation; and of course, my attraction for him was the exact same as it had been before.
Through the next week, he was calling and texting me daily, wanting to hang out as much as possible, and we even discussed the possibility of us dating and doing things the right way this time. My heart was so full.
The following week, however, he began to regress to his previous behavior. The calls/texts slowed down, along with his persistence to hang out with me. Inevitably, he informed me that he had changed his mind and just wanted to stay friends – which I would have been fine with, had I not found out it was because of someone else.
My heart was pretty crushed. I had tried, and failed, not to get my hopes up and not to really think that things could work out between us. My faith in the possibility of change and in second chances had grown too quickly.
The point of all this is not to dwell on the fact that, once again, I proved myself wrong. In all honesty, I know without a doubt that this is for the best – for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes you just instinctively know when someone is not good for you, despite how badly you want it to work out, and this is a prime example.
I truly believe that his purpose, however, was to bring me home.
As I said earlier, he had told me that he had found God again and was going to church. He invited me to attend with him, and I immediately accepted. This in itself is slightly out of character for me because I am a private person normally about my faith. I have gone to church with friends a few times throughout the years, but it’s not something I really talk with my friends about; I usually prefer to go alone.
After attending last weekend, however, I truly felt the message. The day I attended, they were starting a series on Truth: on how, as humans, we all struggle with depression/anxiety and hardships, and how He works with us to overcome these things in our lives through Love. Wow. Talk about fate. That message hit me so hard that I was overwhelmed with emotion. I immediately felt at home in this church. I felt the sense of community, and I was welcomed with open arms. Typically I am extremely picky when it comes to finding a church I like – in fact I have never found one I truly loved – until now.
It’s as if I have finally opened myself up to Christ again. I’ve always been a believer, and throughout my life I have prayed, attended church, read daily devotionals and other religious books, etc. But it wasn’t until recently that I’ve truly FELT His presence again. My heart is so full again, and I am so blessed.
After he and I “broke up” the first time last summer, the Kesha song “Praying” came out. I used to dedicate it to him in my mind, shouting the lyrics with such emphasis. I hoped that he WAS somewhere praying, and I hoped his soul WAS changing, especially after treating me with such indifference and disrespect. Ironically, the message must’ve gotten across. Not only did he rediscover his own faith, but he helped me to rediscover mine. For that I will forever be grateful, regardless of whether or not he remains in my life.
What I do know is that I can’t wait to see where He leads me next.