Last I had left off in my story, I lost my furbaby 2 1/2 weeks after losing my dad. Basic summary: July was the month from hell.
After going through such huge losses in such a short amount of time, I shut down a bit. Coming home to my empty apartment without my baby to greet me, feeling alone and empty inside…it wrecked me. I was doing all I could to make it through every day without completely losing it. I started working at my new part-time job as much as possible and occupying my time with anything – anything to keep me out of my apartment and dwelling on her absence.
What I didn’t realize was that in a time that I should have been relying on my significant other for help, I was actually pushing myself away from him.
Relationships are hard. Times of turmoil either bring you closer together as a couple, or bring you further apart. Sadly, for my relationship, these trying events did the latter.
My boyfriend and I had been together for nearly 4 1/2 years. Our relationship was never perfect; we always had to work hard to make us work as a couple. But for the last half of it, neither of us had been honest with one another in our feelings – we both denied that we were unhappy in the relationship and kept trying to make it work and ignoring the signs that were telling us it was time to part ways as friends.
Keeping romance alive, and dating with intention, is something that requires effort by both parties in order to maintain a successful relationship. For the latter half of the relationship, I had been feeling as though we were extremely great friends and roommates, as opposed to cultivating a loving/romantic life-long relationship and partnership. Over the years, we slowly stopped going on dates as much; we weren’t as present in each others’ day-to-day activities; we just stopped trying.
Sadly, it was the loss of my furbaby that caused me to realize that she was the glue keeping us together. No longer having her in the apartment caused me to focus more on my boyfriend’s and my relationship, since it was just the two of us. I realized that the doubts I had been feeling could no longer be ignored.
In the beginning of August, after we both discussed things thoroughly, he admitted he had been feeling the same way for some time, despite never having told me. How crazy that both of us had been feeling unhappy for over a year and did nothing to confront it!? In a way, we were both too scared to let go, too scared to move on from so much history together.
It was very hard for both of us to come to terms with, especially the first couple of weeks. Learning how to live together and remain friendly while also trying to decide what our next moves were; learning how to move forward together, while also parting ways. It’s something we are still trying to figure out, 2 months later.
It is still our intention to remain close friends. After 4 1/2 years, we still have a LOT of love and respect for one another, and continue to be a part of each others’ lives as we embark on this new journey. I only see positive things in both of our futures, and I hope that we will both continue to be a part of each others’ successes and triumphs. I wish him nothing but happiness, and hope for the same for myself.
Now, to be fair to both parties, I did ask my ex’s consent to post this blog entry, and I sent him the text prior to posting – so he has approved and agreed with everything I have stated above. The purpose of this blog post is NOT to point fingers of blame at one another; simply to state the way things happened, and the way I am personally coming to terms with this situation.
To summarize; in July I permanently lost two huge parts of my life; and in August I let go of a 4 1/2 year relationship. To say that 26 was a completely life-changing year for me is an understatement. Now, at 27, I am learning how to be a single adult; I am re-discovering myself, my interests, and what I hope to gain out of a relationship (though that is not my top priority at the moment). I get to focus on myself; and though at times it is terrifying, stressful and chaotic…I am learning to see it as a beautiful opportunity; truly a new beginning.