Tag Archives: love

Sometimes there’s good in goodbye.

Last I had left off in my story, I lost my furbaby 2 1/2 weeks after losing my dad. Basic summary: July was the month from hell.

After going through such huge losses in such a short amount of time, I shut down a bit. Coming home to my empty apartment without my baby to greet me, feeling alone and empty inside…it wrecked me. I was doing all I could to make it through every day without completely losing it. I started working at my new part-time job as much as possible and occupying my time with anything – anything to keep me out of my apartment and dwelling on her absence.

What I didn’t realize was that in a time that I should have been relying on my significant other for help, I was actually pushing myself away from him.

Relationships are hard. Times of turmoil either bring you closer together as a couple, or bring you further apart. Sadly, for my relationship, these trying events did the latter.

My boyfriend and I had been together for nearly 4 1/2 years. Our relationship was never perfect; we always had to work hard to make us work as a couple. But for the last half of it, neither of us had been honest with one another in our feelings – we both denied that we were unhappy in the relationship and kept trying to make it work and ignoring the signs that were telling us it was time to part ways as friends.

Keeping romance alive, and dating with intention, is something that requires effort by both parties in order to maintain a successful relationship. For the latter half of the relationship, I had been feeling as though we were extremely great friends and roommates, as opposed to cultivating a loving/romantic life-long relationship and partnership. Over the years, we slowly stopped going on dates as much; we weren’t as present in each others’ day-to-day activities; we just stopped trying.

Sadly, it was the loss of my furbaby that caused me to realize that she was the glue keeping us together. No longer having her in the apartment caused me to focus more on my boyfriend’s and my relationship, since it was just the two of us. I realized that the doubts I had been feeling could no longer be ignored.

In the beginning of August, after we both discussed things thoroughly, he admitted he had been feeling the same way for some time, despite never having told me. How crazy that both of us had been feeling unhappy for over a year and did nothing to confront it!? In a way, we were both too scared to let go, too scared to move on from so much history together.

It was very hard for both of us to come to terms with, especially the first couple of weeks. Learning how to live together and remain friendly while also trying to decide what our next moves were; learning how to move forward together, while also parting ways. It’s something we are still trying to figure out, 2 months later.

It is still our intention to remain close friends. After 4 1/2 years, we still have a LOT of love and respect for one another, and continue to be a part of each others’ lives as we embark on this new journey. I only see positive things in both of our futures, and I hope that we will both continue to be a part of each others’ successes and triumphs. I wish him nothing but happiness, and hope for the same for myself.

Now, to be fair to both parties, I did ask my ex’s consent to post this blog entry, and I sent him the text prior to posting – so he has approved and agreed with everything I have stated above. The purpose of this blog post is NOT to point fingers of blame at one another; simply to state the way things happened, and the way I am personally coming to terms with this situation.

To summarize; in July I permanently lost two huge parts of my life; and in August I let go of a 4 1/2 year relationship. To say that 26 was a completely life-changing year for me is an understatement. Now, at 27, I am learning how to be a single adult; I am re-discovering myself, my interests, and what I hope to gain out of a relationship (though that is not my top priority at the moment). I get to focus on myself; and though at times it is terrifying, stressful and chaotic…I am learning to see it as a beautiful opportunity; truly a new beginning.

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One year.

It’s pretty incredible how much can change, yet simultaneously remain the same, in the span of one year.

It’s been one year, as of yesterday, that my grandmother passed away, and one year today that I learned the news. It seems like it’s been longer in some aspects, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

I had the “good fortune” (doesn’t seem like a fitting description, but words are failing me) to be there with her for her last day here on Earth. Our last words exchanged were that we loved one another, leaving not much room for regrets or anything left unsaid.

Regardless of the situation, it’s never easy to lose a loved one. However, in reflection, I am thankful that I was able to have that closure. She is the second grandparent I have lost, and so far I have been lucky in that, with both losses, I have had closure. Not everyone is able to have that when family members pass on.

I suppose this post is not just to commemorate the loss of my grandmother, but to recognize the role that losing a family member/loved one plays in life. It is a necessary evil that we all as humans have to face at some point. When it is a family member who you’re very close to, it can be even harder to process; but even if it’s not the closest relationship, letting go is never easy.

Unfortunately, at 25, I am now at an age where I don’t have much longer to enjoy the company of the grandparents I have left. My paternal grandfather died 14 years ago (as of January of this year), and my paternal grandmother one year ago. I am so thankful that I have both maternal grandparents, as well as two step-grandparents, that I can still spend time with; all are suffering health-wise, however, and I am coming to terms with the fact that they will not be around in my life much longer.

Though they may not physically be present, the lasting memories we have created and the lessons learned from them will stay with me forever. I am a firm believer that “the ones that love us never really leave us,” to quote one of my favorite films (Harry Potter). I know that even though I can no longer see or hear them, I carry them with me in spirit. Even through the times where I fight with accepting their physical absence, that thought can offer some solace.

With death and grief comes lessons; I have learned that I am strong enough to survive losing a loved one, even though the pain can be devastating. I have learned that I need to hold on to the loved ones I have left and cherish the time I have with them every day, whether it’s with a phone call, a visit, or just a kind thought. I have learned that it’s an ongoing process and it ebbs and flows; sometimes grief rears its ugly head when you least expect it, and sometimes you go days without feeling it. But most importantly, I’ve learned that it is manageable. I have been able to connect with others through learning of their own losses, and through discussing my own losses open and honestly. Human connection is one of the most important things, and being able to help others through their own grief is something that can even help to ease your own.

Sorry if this was a somewhat scatterbrained and therapist-like post; but it has helped me to write it. This is my personal blog, after all 😉

Part 3: It can only go up from here.

So, this is going to be a hard entry for me to write.

Not hard in that it’s emotionally difficult to think about, or that I don’t know what I want to say about it; I have plenty to say on the matter. It’s a matter of explaining how I felt without disclosing too much detail to avoid backlash.

Hmm. I guess I’ll try.

Well. I left off last post with my birthday weekend and how it was a difficult weekend to get through. What I didn’t reveal about that is how my birthday weekend got even worse. (Yeah, it’s possible.)

I’m not going to throw my boyfriend under the bus. I know plenty of people who read this know him and I very well, but no one needs to know the specific details of our relationship outside of the two of us. Every relationship is different. We have times when life is amazing together, followed by “rough patches” of being irritated/annoyed with one another, picking fights over small things, arguing, etc., just like every other couple on the planet, and we still love each other.

What sucks, however, is when the rough patches happen in the midst of other life-altering events.

For him, I think, seeing me so upset after losing my job and dealing with some other personal issues all at one time was hard for him. I was quite emotional and depressed, to be frank. Of course, in the almost-year-and-a-half we had been together at that point, we had seen our fair share of ups and downs and gotten through them together. This was just a whole different level. Instead of promising to work through it, we somewhat drifted. I was frustrated at him for his lack of understanding and he didn’t understand how to handle my emotions.

It was a very trying period on our relationship, and I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it.

On top of thinking I was about to lose someone I really love, I also had a falling out with a close friend. Again, I do not want to disclose too much information and throw anyone under the bus, and I will not mention names. However, when I lost my job, living arrangements were severely altered, causing a major rift in that relationship.

All I can really say about that it, sometimes two people can’t ever see the situation in the same light. The phrase, “there are two sides to every story,” is the absolute truth.

I wish I could say relationships, whether between friends or between couples, are easy and effortless. They are not. The weeks after my birthday definitely showed me that. I learned that sometimes the people we love are the ones that can disappoint us the most. I learned that every relationship has high points and low points. I learned that both parties have to work together to make things work. I learned that sometimes, certain events can cause harm to relationships that may never be fully reversible.

Obviously my boyfriend and I are still together. That’s the great thing about the “rough patches”; when two people care enough to get through them, it builds strength in their bond. I’m not going to end on some “love conquers all” cheesy note. But truth be told, it does feel great when obstacles can be overcome. My friend and I are still working on mending things, and I know that will take time. But, after overcoming my birthday weekend and the month and a half of unemployment/disappointment/turmoil that followed, things really did start to look up.

That’s one of life’s blessings. It is constantly moving, up and down, all different directions, and you have no idea where it will lead you next 🙂

Stay tuned to find out! 😛

The right to grieve.

I’ve been on an unintentional blog hiatus. My deepest apologies; I haven’t had too much to write about until recently, but due to being overloaded with work and emotional obligations I’ve been too busy to post.

The past week and a half I have been forced to realize just how short life is because of the untimely passing of someone who was too young. You constantly hear that children are “supposed to” bury their parents, that it’s the “natural order” of things. It’s not something you think you’ll be doing at the ripe age of 23, however.

One of my best friends had to say goodbye to her mother less than two weeks ago, something that shocked all of us closest to her. Your parents are people that are supposed to be around forever, people that will always be there to answer your questions when you need them or to help you out when you need it. Losing one is something that shouldn’t happen until you’re older and have had years to appreciate them and all that they have done for you.

Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. I can’t even imagine what my friend and her family are going through right now, which is why I have been challenged, emotionally-speaking, the last week and a half. I have been grieving in my own way, feeling a little out-of-balance and upset. At first I was really conflicted. I didn’t believe I had the right to grieve. She wasn’t a family member of mine, she wasn’t close to me; sure I had met her several times, and I have several fond memories of her, but she wasn’t mine to grieve.

I expressed these feelings to one of my friends, to which she replied: “Sometimes I think we feel guilty for grieving, but everyone has the right to grieve.”

That made me think a bit.

Not only was I grieving for my friend and her family, I was grieving for myself. And I had/have the right to. Sure, she wasn’t my family; but she’s someone that had been a part of my life, even if for a brief time. It’s never easy losing anyone, no matter how big or small a role they played in your life. The right to grieve for the loss of a person is something everyone has, and something that no one should ever feel guilty about.

My grandmother has always been an advocate of taking responsibility for and power over your own emotions, and not allowing anyone else to tell you otherwise. I guess this is an area in which her advice really applies, and I should’ve listened to her sooner.

So, as a conclusion; I will allow myself to feel these emotions without feeling guilty about it. After all, feelings and emotions are part of what make us human, right? So, as a basic human right, it is something I will take responsibility for and power over, and I will not feel guilty for doing so. Everyone handles things differently in life; it’s up to you to decide how you want to think about, feel about or react to those circumstances.

Liebster Award

Thank you, bibbitybobbitybump, for the Liebster nomination. I’m way too new at this to have many followers, but maybe this will help! 🙂 Maybe people will enjoy learning all of this information about me, haha.

The Liebster Award is an award given by bloggers to bloggers in order to broaden the blogging community. If you are nominated for the Liebster Award, you have a few rules to follow:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you
2. Answer the 11 questions given to you
3. Nominate 11 other blogs with less than 500 followers
4. Post 11 questions for your nominees to answer
5.Tag your nominees & post a comment on their blog to let them know you nominated them
Bibbity, I’m going to answer the questions you were given AND the questions you gave me, because I’m bored. So you’re getting information overload! 🙂
1. What are your favorite lyrics from a song?
Right now, I’ve been listening to the song “Automatic” by Miranda Lambert on repeat pretty much. It makes me think a lot about my childhood. I’m a pretty reminiscent person to begin with, so any song is capable of making me remember something; a specific event, a person, a feeling, etc. This song is just kinda bittersweet, and I love that about it. Brings me back to the innocence of childhood and growing up in a time of change. Though these aren’t necessarily my favorite song lyrics (let’s be honest, I couldn’t pick one set of lyrics to really explain myself), it’s a song that I feel really describes my feelings right now.
2. Do you have any pets? If so, what are their names, and tell me something about them.
I have a wonderful dog named Tappy 🙂 she is a mix, she is about 10 pounds and she is 10 years old but full of energy! She loves to cuddle and be held, and she will lick you to death. Sweetest little dog, I love her so much! I probably take more pictures of her than anything. Haha. I’m slightly obsessed 😉
3. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island indefinitely, what three things from home would you want to have with you?
Oh gosh. Umm. I would want my dog (DUH), my photograph collection (can that count as one thing?? Probably not, I have a million photos…) and either my mom or boyfriend for company.
4. What is your favorite item of clothing, and why?
Do I really only get to pick one!? Sheesh. I guess I would say my Harry Potter snuggie, because that just sums up everything about me in one piece of clothing haha. I like comfort, it’s soft and it’s Harry Potter. Enough said.
5. If you had an afternoon free, would you choose to a) make something b) read/watch movies and relax c) go out and socialize?
Ha. Well. Typically, I would pick B because I live alone and that’s all I do with afternoons off here. But, if I had my absolute choice, I’d probably pick C because I’m super social (duh..). That’s what I miss most while living by myself in a town that I don’t know very many people. I take any social activity I can get at this point! 😛
6. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Is this even a question? WINE. Without a doubt.
7. When was the last time you cried? (Feel free to tell me about it if you wish)
Hmmm…I actually don’t really know. It was sometime this week. But I can’t remember if it was because of something I was watching on tv or because of something personal. Probably because of both honestly, haha.
8. What is your favorite perfume / cologne?
I really don’t wear much perfume. BUT I really like PS I Love You from Bath and Body Works, I love Lucky You, and I really like Light Blue by Dolce and Gabbana.
9. Where is your ultimate travel destination?
IRELAND. Anywhere in Europe really, but I am dying to go to Ireland. So. Bad.
10. What is one memory you have from your childhood?
Hmmm. Picking one off the top of my head, since Casper was on TV this week; I remember my parents tucking me into bed at night and our little night time rituals, but I would always wind up getting back out of bed because I was scared…haha. Even Casper the Friendly Ghost scared me when it was time to go to bed!
11. I’m about to have lunch, what should I have in my sandwich? 
Turkey, lettuce, mayo and tomato. NOM.
Now, time for the questions I got from Lindsay:
1. When was the last time you were truly embarrassed, and why?
Oh goodness. I really don’t know honestly. Typically I tend to laugh at myself when I get embarrassed, regardless of whether or not I’m actually mortified. I seriously can’t even think of a past embarrassing story to relate, other than ripping my pants really bad in the middle of a fraternity party one time and having to wear my coat around my waist, like I was in elementary school or something. But I really don’t even know if anyone saw, other than a couple of my friends, and we still laugh about it haha. I guess that’ll have to suffice for now.
2. Which do you consider most important: Love, faith, respect, or money? Why?
Ahh such a tough one! I want to say love, followed closely by faith. But maybe I should say faith, followed by love. Honestly, love is a form of happiness. It’s hard at times, and can be a pain in the ass, but without it there is nothing. Faith is extremely important as well. It’s a form of hope. If you don’t have hope and faith for the future, then how can you be happy? I think faith and love follow hand in hand really. You can’t really live without either.
3. Do you believe in a higher power? If so, what is the defining characteristic of the deity you believe in?
Yes I do. The defining characteristic of the God I believe in is one that is forgiving and understanding of me and my time here on earth. As a human, I make a ton of mistakes, and so I would like to think that my God is forgiving of that.
4. Who is someone you have a difficult time forgiving? What makes it so hard to let go of?
My family, and my boyfriend sometimes. Heck, even myself sometimes. It’s really hard for me to forgive to begin with. I’m not a perfect person, but it’s like I hold others to a higher standard in how they should treat me. I think that if I wouldn’t do something to them, then they shouldn’t do that to me. It’s hard for me to realize that not everyone thinks the exact same way that I do, and it’s hard for me to realize that not everything someone does is meant to hurt me; the end result just happened to hurt me and it wasn’t meant that way. Everyone is human, everyone makes choices without fully thinking through the consequences, and everyone makes mistakes. Depending on the severity of the mistake, however, sometimes it’s hard to forgive and forget.
5. What’s the last kind, thoughtful thing that someone did for you?
Good question. Well. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed last weekend, because he knows I like it when he does 🙂 heh. My friend’s family recently included me on their dinner outing and paid for me, which was really nice, and a couple days ago they also let me stay at their house when it was dumping snow and I couldn’t drive home. Such wonderful people 🙂
6. True or false: It’s okay to trust.
True. Sucks sometimes if you put trust in the wrong person, but you don’t ever know until you try I suppose.
7. What’s one thing your parents did that you’ve sworn you will never do? What will you do instead?
Haha. I honestly can’t even think of anything. My parents, though frustrating at times, raised me pretty well.
8. What’s your favorite healthy snack? Unhealthy snack? Comfort food?
Healthy snack–I like strawberries, apples, oranges, grapes, string cheese (relatively healthy, right?), fruit snacks, celery and peanut butter.
Unhealthy–Way too many..haha. Anything with chocolate in it pretty much. I like Fritos a lot, Taco Bell loaded grillers (don’t judge), chips and queso, popcorn and homemade nachos.
Comfort food–macaroni and cheese, all the way. I could eat it every day. I also love mashed potatoes. Maybe stuffed crust pizza too, or Taco Bell, that tends to comfort me 😛
9. What is something specific you want your dream home to have?
Just one thing?Probably the one thing that comes to mind right now are bay windows. I freaking love them. One thing my friend’s house has that I would LOVE is a window seat/bed, where I could sit in it and read while also enjoying the sunshine or rain on the window, and I could also lay down and relax with a nice view 🙂
10. What would your partner (or best friend) say is your best quality? Your biggest flaw?
I actually cheated and asked my boyfriend what he thinks my best quality/flaw is. See, for me, I would think that my best friend or boyfriend would say that I’m very outgoing or always up for fun. My boyfriend, however, surprised me (in a good way). His response was “vibrant.” I asked him to explain a little and he followed up with telling me that I’m feisty and enthusiastic, haha. Which is apparently what he likes about me. Close enough, right? As for my biggest flaw, I would assume they would say that I take things too personally possibly, or that I get pretty moody sometimes. And my boyfriend did; he said I sometimes take things too personally. I’m pretty psychic sometimes 😉
11. What’s weighing on your heart right now? Can I pray for you?
What’s weighing on my heart right now is that I need to accept my current place in life. I need to understand that I do not need to have all the answers and have everything figured out, because I never will. I need to accept that I am no longer a student, that that is no longer my role, and that my role is to find a career path that I love.
Okay, I do not have very many followers, but I will come back and edit this to nominate my followers and ask my own set of 11 questions. If you took the time to read all of this…you must really like me, or really be interested in learning about me!
//EDIT
I will nominate my first 11 followers (minus the person who nominated me), and the 11 questions may be any combination of the above 22 questions I’ve answered on my own post!
I nominate:

Why “romance” is sexist

Okay. A bit dramatic for the title. But honestly, it’s kind of true.

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow (and I’m sure all of you in relationships are already well-prepared by now). In light of this fact, I decided to post on romance, a post I have been planning. The timing just seems right, so here goes!

The concept and expectation of romance is sexist.

“Are you insane?”

Yes, I can hear all you out there reading this thinking this/saying this out loud. No, I’m not crazy. Just think about it, bear with me.

Why is it that nearly every romantic movie, television show, book, commercial, etc., portrays it as the man’s option to “woo” a woman? Why is it always up to him? What have girls done, other than be born a female, to deserve this treatment?

Do NOT get me wrong. The occasions when my boyfriend (sorry babe, you were meant to be mentioned sooner or later) compliments me, does my dishes, lets me pick what to watch on tv, rubs my feet or takes me on dates are absolutely encouraged and well-appreciated. In fact, I would encourage this behavior often (hint hint 😉 ). But why is it that women constantly expect these things? And why is it frowned upon when men enjoy the same behaviors from women?

I read an article on chivalry recently that sparked my decision to even post this. Yes, chivalry is nice, and no it’s not (completely) dead. There is something sweet about a man that decides to open a door for you, and especially when he pulls out a chair for you. Things like that do not go unnoticed, and are encouraged some of the time. It shows thoughtfulness. But I also don’t think those things should be expected, especially all the time. We are women, and other than genetics, how are we exactly different from men? What did we do that makes them have to win us over? Not to mention, if someone did things like this for me all the time, I’d be a little put-off and possibly a little offended; I am capable of doing things for myself, thank you very much. So WHY is it that men are “supposed” to do these things for us? Shouldn’t we do nice things for men too, and not just expect them to constantly try to impress us?

Even when you aren’t in a relationship, and regardless of whether you are male or female, you can make romantic gestures. Why is it a man’s responsibility to initiate dating? Can’t both men and women be forward and ask one another out? And shouldn’t an already-established relationship be about treating each other with mutual respect and love, and going above and beyond to make each other happy? (No, I’m alone in that? Okay).

I can’t even begin to recount the number of times I have watched romantic movies and wondered why my boyfriend doesn’t do stuff like that for me or make big romantic gestures to show how much he loves me. But then I stop myself and wonder, what I have done to deserve that treatment? Simply exist? Though I am undoubtedly awesome, no, I do not deserve romantic gestures solely based on that. He does nice things for me, and I do them in return. If you love someone, you do nice things for them. End of discussion. Doing nice things for others is something that should just be done period.

We as women shouldn’t be getting upset because the guy we think is cute didn’t pull out all the stops to “woo” us over. We shouldn’t be upset with our male companions simply because they didn’t buy flowers or chocolates, or they don’t offer to open every door, or they don’t pamper us enough. Couldn’t we be making romantic gestures for them as well? Okay, maybe men don’t necessarily want flowers and chocolates, but you get my point; they enjoy nice gestures too. And they are (usually) appreciated.

In my humble opinion, both men and women should be making effort to do nice things for one another. The “nice things” may vary from relationship to relationship (i.e. some girls don’t like flowers/chocolates and would prefer a nice dinner; some men prefer watching things other than sports. Some don’t have the financial means to provide material things and come up with other creative ways to be romantic. Whatever floats your boat). But the concept remains; the responsibility to create romance in a relationship should not solely rest on the male. For decades, women have been developing more prominent personalities; plenty of women give out their numbers or ask men out on the first date, and women have even proposed. The fact of the matter is, if you both care about one another, why make it up to him to initiate all the romance?

Before I wind up rambling on and not making sense, I’m going to end this post on a happy note. I hope that everyone out there enjoys their Valentine’s Day; it’s not “singles-awareness day,” because valentines can come in many forms. Honestly, this is the first Valentine’s Day I will have celebrated with a boyfriend. True, I’ve had my fair share of Valentine’s Days spent feeling bitter because I didn’t have a boyfriend and life sucks and woe is me, but I did have family and friends that loved me (and still do), and went out of their way to wish me a happy day, and for that I can consider myself lucky. Love comes in many forms. Embrace it. Share it. Tell the people you love that you love them. Make someone feel special. Have a lovely day (pun intended). 🙂